HELLO CHARMAINE (:

a wee bit random, but found this when i was watching sytycd 3 on youtube (: it isn't a particularly great dance or anything. i like it, but not love it. and i don't think they're both fab dancers, but dom is starting to grow on me. he's so earnest about contemp, so eager to learn that he just reminds me of a little boy (: hahaha. i adore boys who can do contemp/modern, but i usually find there's something a little bit over soft about them. only good ones were nick & travis. but guys like ivan & dom who were hiphop/breaking trained, yet can do contemp, brings this raw edge to it that i love. hahaha. and of course as usual i LOVE my latin boys (: like pascha! russian men. yummm.


dom & sabra doing a rumba (: i think this is one of e best technical ballroom items yet.


anya & danny. smooth waltz. I LOVE LOVE LOVE smooth waltz.


& lastly jessi & pascha doing a cha cha. haha. omg pascha is mother sexy.

my 3 fav couples on sytycd 3 (: i should keep watching sytyd on youtube everyday. gives me e motivation & inspiration to keep dancing.

i think for now, contemporary/lyrical is the place i want to be in. i want to dance alone for awhile, after spending the last 2 half years with partners. it forces the spotlight to be on me, which means no more covering up for my disintegrating technique :p its time to start training again! hahaha. but i still can't bear to give up latin just yet? it gave me so much confidence to really perform. so i'll just keep my partner work to latin. and leave it out of contemp. hehh. feel like working more on my rumba.

seeing the photos did hurt me abit. but i knew right from e moment we decided where we were heading that it was all never meant to be. your place is here, and mine's in london. haha. muacks to angie for telling me the truth. i really needed to hear it.

i'm in a really good mood now (: i'm happy. and i do intend to stay that way. the emptiness will always be there, but its just this neutral feeling now. everything else seems rather positive! so its all good.

: big girls don't cry :: fergie :

back from osaka & kyoto (: which was quite an adventure i must admit. roars, typing on my mum's laptop with my new fake nails. ahaha. they're pink with frangipani-ish flowers. meheheehehe. more about japan another day, together with pictures..

did alot of thinking there. esp on the trains. i love trains.. i get to watch the world go by, plus i don't get car-sick. which is great. haha. anyway, i watched 'happy birthday' on my way home on e flight, and i fear i'll become like that one day. stuck in the past, stuck on snippets of memories or moments of happiness, and hence never able to let go.

i was never able to walk away from things. cos i was afraid of losing ppl. losing security. so i always tried to hold them close. but i rmb rachel telling me once, the more i try to hold on to smthing, the faster it'll leave me. of the 3 doors that i need to close before i leave, one was closed on both sides, one slammed in my face and one i think i'll never be able to close.

sighs. for the one slammed in my face. thinking about it makes me feel bitter sometimes. but i don't want to be bitter, i want to be able to smile and say hi if i see you again. so i'm just going to think of it as a favour, a resolution to finally end something that started but never really happened.

plus i just watched jerry maguire properly for e first time today (: SO SWEEEEEET. mehehehee.

you complete me.

you had me at hello..

and i've decided once and for all. no more reminiscing, no more picking up of perfume samples and no more looking around hopefully. this is my final goodbye.

it still amazes me to no end. how easy it is apparently to walk away from what that has taken years to build up.

off for some good food, shopping and zen (: apparently kyoto's the land of zen, so i'm going to go strolling through the gardens, and think less of bad things, and more of happy peaceful things. maybe i'll come back with a better temper. smirks. and less heartache too.

: bea & xinqin's 06 modern dance song :

today with mel was good for my soul (: hahaha. alot of excessive splurging. meehehehe. lovely lovely jap food, gorgeous bangle, mascara, dvds, nails & books. but most of all, the most soothing of it all was the heart-to-heart talk. over the years, esp the past two, she has got me like no one has :p haha. it feels really good that we understand each other the way we do. i think i'll be in total hell when mel goes off to michigan ): no more late night calls, at 3, 4am. no more nonsense roamings around orchard. no more moanings and whinings to each other. for a very very long time -.- gahhhh. its times like these i really can't bear to leave spore.

have fun in chiang rai darling (: love you mucho & do take care k. come back safe & sound. smirks (if u get the pun)

how fast time will fly. how fast it'll be here. and yet we wish it moves faster and slower at the same time.

hopefully i'll be busy enough tmr. still got packing, driving, shopping, delivering & reading to do. which will keep me away from more delusional/dis-illusioned/nonsense ramblings here. plus allow me to retain some skin on my fingers & feet. sadness makes me ramble, spend alot, cut skin & eat alot -.-

i'm feeling rather proud of myself (: ahahaha. i've managed to finish like 2 books in a week. whoopeee. i haven't read books in ages. haven't had the time nor energy. haha. and now i finally have all the time and energy in the world to read. and it feels quite good actually. now all i need to do is get the bloody money off my hands -.-

off to osaka and kyoto on thurs night (: will be back next weds. usual thing, phone's on roaming. sms me anything. i'll check my email only once in awhile though. AND SENTIO PARTY ON 7TH JULY 6PM AT MY HOUSE K! i think we'll get to see fireworks, the nat day rehearsals and all (:

its pouring outside now! a lovely day, a cold rainy night = a perfect perfect day (:

[edit] i'm actually feeling very detached from it all. its like i float along in this limbo world, nothing certain, nothing harsh. then sometimes i think of below, and i feel like there's this huge vacuum sucking everything in, in my heart. and then everything returns to this monotonous oblivion. i was thinking about 2 weeks ago. how everything collapsed. how i've reached a stage i've never been to before, and who was there then. who grabbed my forearm. who listened to me. and i appreciate them. i really do. and its just a stark contrast with all your absences.

fullerton, esplanade. walking in the rain. it was beautiful, beauty in all the flaws. i loved it, and i'll always remember that night.

congrats. i'm really standing on the outside looking in now. actually i'm not even looking cos there's a thick wall separating everything now. all i hear are snippets of conversation, whispers drifting across. that's all its gonna be now is it. and i'm going to walk away now. i'm really going to try. cos all those faint murmurs are only hurting me even more. making me sadder than i was before [/edit]

dis-illusioned is the word.

the lack of words is a million times worse than harsh mean words. the lack of everything, just means there is nothing left to fight for anymore. you fight cos you care. and when the fighting stops, it seems that there isn't anything left already. i'd give anything to fight with you again. but it seems like this is it already. you've erased me from your life. its as if i never existed. all memories have faded into dust. but then again you were never a big fan of memories. shrugs. i just can't swallow it sometimes.

then there's you. you who disappeared without a word. made me half promises. made me hope. and now its as though you never existed too.

i'm so sick and tired of all this. i really want to be happy. i'm trying super super hard to be happy. but things like these keep making me sad time and time again. i really want my last 3 months in spore to be happy, esp when i know that everything will no longer be the same again when i come back.

facebook is addictive. plus i've been talking to my future classmates + schoolmates. so that's been fun. meehehee. some rj senior who's entering this yr just came to talk to me. everyone's just randomly making friends. i need some more high holborn friends. so i can get help to attack the roaches if they do appear :p

now that sentio's over. everything seems to be about london & lse (: which is getting me very very excited and happy. hahaha. i've got an adorable singing mini rice-cooker, a slow cooker & a kettle all sitting in my house waiting to be brought to london. my mum's getting very excited -.- she's starting to plan our cookin sessions every weekend. its quite hilarious actually. planning with all e uk bound students about holidays & trips, plus talking with ming about euro 2008 is making me bouncingly happy. hehee.

movies, accounts & neoprints with bea yesterday was monkey monkey fun (: i love our neoprints. they were hilarious. damn act cute. smirks. then the very very long overdue talk with angie while sitting at my condo lobby looking around fearfully for lizards -.- and movie + shopping with darling mingkie poo today. bought a pair of pretty pretty hogan flats (that were on sale!). plus did bed linen shopping with ming, which was damn funny actually. oh how i'll miss all our nonsense roamings & talks ): but i hope i get my two special shirts to keep me company while i'm there!

and yes, i'm off to osaka & kyoto coming thurs night. whoopeeeee. so fun so fun. just me and my mummy. training around the kansai region. hehee. more yummylicious good food, great shopping and pretty pretty sights. i absolutely can't wait. i've missed japan so much. hehee. -bounces about-

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JUSTIN (:

my only wish for you: be the happiest person alive! you deserve it (:

lalalala. happy days happy days. i hope they're here to stay.

ok this is in just random order :p hahaha. and i was so lethargic and sicky from cramps that i had to miss my driving lesson today. ROARS. i hope i'm better to go meet bea for accounts & movie tmr! ok pictures!



my little successor aka jonathan (: hahaha. that's what i always call him. he looks so spiffy here!


justin :D


nus blast! i felt very un-sexy being surrounded by these very sexy girls :p but they're really nice ppl (: hehe.


xinqin & bea after evelyn's dance


evelyn darling (: hahaha. with her very very obvious tanline -.- you should have seen my face when she showed it to me for e first time. and our doll-like curls. grins.


bea & i outside of the rp audi. SENTIO (:


purify + terence's dance + extra me. its amazing how small the world is, and how steph phua & i are somehow connected. grins.


terence (: he looks like a vamp here. oops.


this is the nonsense shit that happens when i hang around my juniors. esp the j1 boys. grins, find this pose familiar? ahahaha. that's wen jun btw. smirks.


charmaine!!!! cedar dance pres (: i absolutely adore this girl.


derrick! my dance partnerrrrr. this was the photo he looked e least white in :p


i just realised how white i am, when i can stand next to bea & amy and look the same. 0_o hahaha. e 3 diff colours (: plus 408 dancers in my dance.


mel darling.




and these were the absolute angels & darlings of Sentio (: hahaha. aren't they adorable. i rmb the boys were so smitten with felicia. its hilarious.


rj indian dance! i love their costume. heh


my viola babbyyyyy (:


wenjun again!


my dancers (((((((((:


spinkie darling


cheryl! with her adorable button nose. hehe.


and my darling darling tramp juniors who made the effort to come down to watch e concert. MUACKS.


was just thinking about it, esp after reading some entries. i realised most of the planning & organising for Sentio wasn't particularly memorable or happy. it was the dancing that made me happy. not the practs even, cos alot of the practs i spent seething, fuming or plain frustrated. but in e end it turned out really well (: and i don't think i'd have survived Sentio if i wasn't dancing in it, and i didn't have my own dance. hahaha.


off to sleep again -.- pain meds make me drowsyyyy. but i think my body has served me well these past few months (: haha. cos my knees despite the all the pain, haven't collapsed yet. neither has the tissue teared more. my bruises are heeling. the lump in my wrist didn't come out again despite all the pressure i put on it & e swelling's gone down. PLUS the time of the month was perfectly timed. meeheheeheee.


planning for osaka & tokyo! yayyy. can't wait to get out of here again. escapism escapism escapism. plus i've had enough of brush-offs alr.

I LOVE YOU KAYLI (:

: everything :: michael buble :

woke up this afternoon. stared at e ceiling for awhile. nearly got a heart attack thinking that i had overslept and missed some meeting/dance pract/rehearsal. then realised that sentio's over. its a bittersweet thing. sweet cos sentio was wonderful. absolutely magical and fantastic despite all the arguments (trust me there were alot -.-), flaring tempers, pain (alot alot of pain. look at our battered bodies, esp feet for proof) and burnt bridges. bitter cos this will be the last time that RJ dance 05/06 will ever dance together again like that. the last time i dance to 'fascination'.

'free' (my item) was everything i dreamed it would be and more. i admit that i tend to notice and concentrate more on the faults. but when i saw the video of us dancing on the two nights, i just wanted to cry. it was so beautiful (: yes there were a few mistakes here and there, but we came such a long long way to reach what we presented on friday and sat. 5 boys who have never done modern lyrical before. 3 girls who have never done partner work before. haha. it was amazing. and i'm so grateful to all my dancers. derrick, cat, terence, zhu nian, kohzy, evelyn chan, desmond, cheryl, bryan, xinqin, nat, huangjing, amy & beatrice.

with special special love & thanks to derrick for being such a great partner (: never dropping me and making so much sacrifices. to evelyn (chan) & amy who i've grown so much closer to this year. beatrice who has been my life-saver emotionally. and xinqin who put so much faith in me, always believing in me even though you're a much better modern dancer than me. haha. it was a lovely few months, and i couldn't have done it without you all (:

plus i must add i'm super super proud of terence (: who i look upon like my little brother. grins. you've improved so much over e past yr and i'm incredibly impressed with you. your item was fantastic and i always knew you could do it! WELL DONE!! WOOHOOOOO.

fri night was really the best night for me. sat was a bit spoilt cos my stupid bra strap broke -.- and i spent half of the time worrying whether i was flashing my boob at e audience. grumbles. but i felt that it was the first time i really danced my heart out on stage before. i danced like there was nothing more i wanted than to be in the arms of the one i love. every emotion felt so real. i can't explain to non-dancers the feeling of absolute exhiliration and joy of dancing and performing. nothing will make me that happy. i felt i was dancing with my heart. and that was how i always hoped my dance to be danced. everything open, no barriers, no walls to hide behind. and i think this dance really forced me to push myself harder (: which is why i'm so pleased with myself. ahahaha. excuse my gloating.

much much love to my two co-chairs, angie & evelyn, whom without, Sentio would not have been possible (: my lovely comm. ming, stef, cass, mel, suefaye, ziying, dennet, kaleni, kai (despite not being in e comm, she gave away her sat night tickets so she could help usher. i love you my darling sis) and many more. thanks for doing this. gratefulness & thanks to my darling RJ DANCERS for showing their support by performing. big thank you to all those who made the effort to come down to show your support, justin, jeremy (it was super sweet of you to rush down to watch, i'm so so sorry i couldn't talk to you longer), junwee, ivan, baldwin, yipeng, pumpkin, zheng, liling, llama, christine, juee, huihui, charlene, noee, nat, deb and so so many more.

pictures will come up tmr (: haha, i haven't had the chance to upload my pictures yet. grins. but before i go, i must say this officially. i think the world of the cedar dancers. they're a bunch of wonderfully sweet girls who i totally adore. plus they're so so disciplined. haha. especially their chairperson charmaine. she's the most responsible, sweet and darling girl i've ever met, very very impressed (y)

Sentio 2007. wonderful beautiful memories that i'll hold close to me for a long long time.

ps. i love you evelyn! don't forget to bake me more of your yummylicious cupcakes when we do our last dance together. hahaha. and we'll have a farewell lunch after (:

i can't believe i'm awake so early -.-

anyway, today starts Sentio rehearsals & blockings. hahaha (: i can't wait. i love performance preps. -bounces about- grins. i'm gonna savour every moment of this, cos its gonna be the last time i'll get to do this with my darling dancemates, and prob the last time i do it like this ever.

so i'm ignoring all the unhappy things. and focussing on all the good things now. haha. that'll prob be all till Sentio's over (: see you all there!

i went halfway around the country just to talk to interdependent (though i admit it was a much needed and soothing one). he made everything alot better. and made me realise what i want in my life now. and how i should strive for my own happiness, and not just blindly holding onto things that i think make me feel happy.

my new year resolution for 2007 was to be happy. and lately the only times i've been really happy is when i'm dancing, with mel or doing ticketing with bea. and when i stop doing either of this, i just lapse into this silence that i can be in for hours. i'm just waiting to say goodbye now.

i'm very self-destructive i think. the injuries and scars are proof to that. sighs. i'm tired. i really am. but it was really nice, and sweet to have someone to lean on tonight (: to rest for awhile.

i need taller friends :p like ming. very nice to lean on. ahahaha.

Sometimes I think of you, and tears fill my eyes
To think of the meaning you’ve given my life
You’ve touched me in places no one ever reached
You’ve given me reason and cause to believe
You are my rainbow; you’ve colored my life
And you are my sunshine; I’m warm in your light
You are my fountain that never runs dry
You’re my inspiration, my reason to try

I’ll love you ‘til green grass turns lavender blue
And all the stars fall from heaven and vanish like dew
When horses and chariots chase down the wind
That’s when I’ll leave you, I’ll love you ‘til then

this song reminds me of angie, mel and interdependent at different lines.

i wonder if you remember the promise we made?

: sandy's song :: dolly parton :

KAYLIII (: I LOVE YOU TOO! please come back soon!

its times like these, when such little simple messages mean the whole wide world to me. and makes everything else a bit more clearer.

much love to deb. who's had her ear (or rather her eyes) chewed off by me e past few weeks with all my grumblings, whinings, bitchings and moanings.

i really don't know what i'm going to do after saturday. if i could go back 6 months, i'd still make the same choice.

i wish i could leave for london right now. there's really nothing left for me to stay for. i don't need to be physically here for things to last. or rather even if i was physically here, some things just won't last.

sitting here. thinking. remembering. letting go.

: all the wild horses :: ray lamontagne :

i'm in my dancey dancey mood now (: actually i've never left that mood since i joined rj dance 2 yrs ago :p ahahaha. but anyway, VIDEOS. cos i'm so darned stressed out over my item and all the nonsense shit. this is what dance is really all about k. watch e videos, this is what we as dancers live for or hope to achieve one day. they're sytycd 3 auditions plus other nonsense.


ok i don't hope to achieve this -.- cos i can't tap for my life. so this is out. but its so bloody cool.


she's only 18! that's my age. damnit -.- i don't think i've ever seen a 18 year old dance like that. with all that emotion too. sighs.


and this. is for mel & char. haha, its amazing (:


OMG 0_o WATCH THIS GUY POP & LOCK. its omg. matt would LOVE this. grins.


and this. i'll never get tired of watching this (: meeheheehee. i love ivan!


this i just found recently. the technique & emotions aren't wonderful. but i think e choreography's beautiful, and i want do the waltz one day (:


and last but not least (: i lurveee wade robson. grins.

last week. here we go (: muacks to xinqin, bea, amy & evelyn chan. much much much love. for everything today. and a heap of gratitude & appreciation for derrick! haha.

: apologise :: timbaland ft. one republic :